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Never on a Saturday

31/3/2022

 
​It was a Saturday, I remember because I always went shopping on Saturdays with my friend, Mia. We would have lunch out and then browse around the shops, or maybe see a film. Those were the days when I was teaching, and Saturday was a brief, luxurious day in my otherwise stressful life. Sundays were for chores, and dread of the looming week ahead.I came across Fight for the Life You Want to Live in the Self-Help section of the book shop. Somehow my fingers were drawn to the bright-red cover as if my brain was sending commands without my knowledge or say-so. Then I was reading the back cover, the Contents, and before I knew it, I was halfway through the first chapter. It was the sort of shop that encouraged reading and browsing so I bought an obligatory coffee and spent the rest of the afternoon lost in the fight for my life. Mia, huffing in annoyance, went home.
Part of me knew I shouldn’t be taken in, and I imagined my no-nonsense sister, Ellie, shaking her head in despair at this ‘self-help garbage.’ But somehow, I was gripped! Here was a way forward. I bought the book and spent the rest of the weekend immersed in The Fight. I dutifully answered questionnaires, made candid notes about what I hated about my life and what I wanted instead. Sorted out my priorities – and planned my escape.
I set off for work on Monday morning full of energy, my letter of resignation – the bomb that would trigger my new life – nestling in my bag. The end was in sight – four more weeks and then I’d be free. I felt light-headed and giddy.
My vision, dutifully described in the exercise for Chapter 3, of sitting in a beachside coffee bar, notebook in hand, writing my first novel, was dizzyingly close to coming true. Re-mortgaging the house to raise enough funds for my adventure was completed the following week. I felt as if I was walking on air – way above – looking down on everyone else’s hum-drum, boring lives.
Before I knew it, I was sitting by the Mediterranean with a notebook, smugly imagining my former colleagues on break duty in the grey, cold, concrete playground. There was only one problem. My notebook lay, pristine, waiting for me to write my inspired thoughts – of which I had zilch.
As the weeks passed, the glistening sea became exhausting, like a friend who is fun and exciting to be around but eventually becomes too much. The money was draining away faster than I imagined and I moved from hotels to hostels – hardly conducive to writing. When I only had my air fare home, I admitted defeat and surrendered.
Now I am on antidepressants and state benefits. I can go to the shopping centre any day I want, but I can’t face seeing anyone from my old life. I don’t go there on a Saturday.
© Sheena Billett
Mary Anne McEnery
8/5/2022 04:55:19 pm

Thank you for trusting me with your work,Never on a Saturday. The title is strong and gives nothing away. Great storyline and plot, relatable, and the tension of the lifestyle change not working out drives the plot along.
I hope you find a home for your story; it deserves it.
I would suggest a re-edit to pick up on the minor grammaticals that serve as a distraction and take the reader out of the story. Perhaps a look at the use of the em dash, overuse of passive verbs and cutting as many adverbs as you can, and maybe using a stronger verb instead.
Again, great plot, well done. I score your story a 3

Secret Attic
8/5/2022 04:55:35 pm

Yep, this is the one for me - I agree with Mary that it needs a good edit and tidy up but great story! It reminded me of a story I write a few years back called 'From Primark to Harrods and Back'. So, thanks for reminding me about that I will dig it out.

Score: 5

Rachel
8/5/2022 04:55:51 pm

Well, I thought this was great. I felt for her so much! Sad but inevitable ending.
Score:5

Jeff Jones
8/5/2022 04:56:06 pm

There have been some very good stories in this latest competition from Secret Attic, some of which should be expanded into short stories and perhaps resubmitted to another comp, but for me this is the best one I have read so far. Nicely descriptive giving us a good insight into the protagonist's character, hopes and dreams, dreams which unfortunately suffer from a severe bout of reality, something the majority of writers have no doubt suffered from. It could do with tightening up, but that is true of most of the stories submitted, and it didn't detract from a lovely story very well told. Well done. 5

Lou
8/5/2022 04:56:19 pm

I thought this was a great idea but I felt the plot was a bit too big for the number of words - or maybe the first three-quarters needed condensing, as there seemed a bit too much about the bookshop and the reading, to leave more room for the denouement and climax. Score: 3

Jillikins961
8/5/2022 04:56:45 pm

This was a big life event crammed into a tiny word count, but had an enjoyable story arc and showed understanding of how things can unravel despite a person's best efforts.

Score: 4

Vivienne
8/5/2022 04:57:01 pm

The very likely scenario rang true. We all like to dream - few of us turn it in to reality. Even so, reality rarely lives up to expectations. This crystallized that in this story. For me, I could have done with a bit of dialogue? We did see Mia's irritation but maybe she could have said something. I agree with some of the comments so far - could well be developed in to a longer short story. Thank you for letting me read your work. I score 4.

RT Hardwick
8/5/2022 04:57:16 pm

Highly readable and realistic account of the decline in fortunes of the main protagonist, sympathetically written in a style that is both prosaic and compelling. I have mentioned previously how restrictive this 500-word limit is for writers, as it is almost impossible to create a fully rounded story, especially with the constraints of the start-to-finish leitmotif, but I think this would make ae excellent 1500-word competition short story. 4 points.


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