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Bride to Be by R.T. Hardwick

29/3/2021

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I remember Tony saying ‘I’ve found you a wife.’  Across the disco floor was a girl with the smouldering good looks of a Greta Garbo and the figure of an Audrey Hepburn, that is to say like a stick insect in a dress.

‘Hello,’ I said.  ‘I’m Jonny.’
‘I’m not,’ she replied.
We danced the night away.  She danced a mean boogie whilst I did the Gay Gordons.
I walked her home afterwards.  She let me kiss her. It tasted like all the herbs and spices of the orient: Leyton Orient.  We dated regularly after that.  One day in early spring I went down on one knee and asked her to marry me.  I strained a knee ligament and had to be stretchered to hospital.  She felt sorry for me and said ‘yes’ through gritted teeth.

What a wedding reception!  There was Stuart, with his ill-fitting suit and ridiculous moustache.  You should have seen him.  A human dustbin when it came to scoffing food.  If you stood on his foot, his head would flip open.  There was Molly, skinny and prickly as a starved porcupine.  That red dress and those white tights – she looked like an upside down Swan Vesta.  Then there was my sister Connie, forever lighting up a Player’s Number Six and wearing a dress that looked like it had originally been issued to female ARP wardens.

It’s a pity my bride never showed up. She missed a smashing reception – foie gras, pheasant, lavender poached pear, gallons of Rustenberg Chardonnay.  That note she left – ‘I never could stand you, I was only ever interested in your money.  Pity you never had any.  I’ve found somebody a lot richer,’

That just about sums her up.  I always thought her eyes were too close together.
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    Issue 8 & 9

    January 2021
    February 2021



    The Stories

    All
    A Blanket Of Stars By Georgia Cook
    A Chance By Liz Breen
    A Close Shave By Cindy Pereira
    A Compromise By Caitlin Magnall-Kearns
    A Drink After Work By Graham Crisp
    A Furtive Conversation By Sammi McSporran
    A Letter By Joe Bedford
    A Moment Of Introspection By Madelaine Taylor
    An Easy Mistake By Rachel Smith
    An Unfortunate Incident By Hilary Taylor
    Author Author! By Andrew Ball
    Bat Chat By Elaine Peters
    Bat Woman By Niall McKenna
    Beads Of Gold By Eva Bell
    Bearly Dry By Madelaine Taylor
    Bell Bottoms And Beer By Cindy Pereira
    Bench Mark By Jennifer Patsalidou
    Bride To Be By R.T. Hardwick
    Carnaby St Boutique By Steve Goodlad
    Caroline And Steven By Graham Crisp
    Cash Or Claret By Colin Ward
    Caught In The Act By Hilary Taylor
    Chance Encounter By Jeff Jones
    Change Matters By C.R. Berry
    Command By Ian Tew
    Crocodile Tears By Felicity Edwards
    Crossed Wires By Jeff Jones
    Ding Dong Dung By Cindy Pereira
    Dreaming Of You By Steve Goodlad
    Friederike By Mark Harbinger
    Global Architects By Rachel Smith
    Happy To Chat By Elaine Peters
    Holiday Of A Lifetime By Elaine Peters
    Horror Scope By Cindy Pereira
    Hotel Kasbah By Beverley Byrne
    Hunger By Caitlin Magnall-Kearns
    Lend Us A Tenner By Graham Crisp
    Love And Sparkles By Hilary Taylor
    Mistaken Identity By Madelaine Taylor
    Molly-Dolly’s New Clothes By Elaine Peters
    Mountain By Soren Petrek
    Mr. Patel’s Shop By Graham Crisp
    Out On The Town By Caitlin M Kearns
    Peter By R.T. Hardwick
    Plenty By Miriam H Harrison
    Pocket Money By Felicity Edwards
    Raisins And Rum By Cindy Pereira
    Reality
    Room 12 By Graham Crisp
    She Thinks I'm Stupid By Steve Goodlad
    Siesta By Elaine Peters
    Taking The Floor By Claire Barnard
    Tangle By Miriam H. Harrison
    Teacher By Madelaine Taylor
    The Book Of Revelations By R.T. Hardwick
    The Choice By Hilary Taylor
    The Death Of An Actor By Steve Goodlad
    The Ending By Liz Breen
    The Incidentals Table By Liz Breen
    The Inheritance By Graham Crisp
    The Neighbour By Lynne Couzins
    The New Guy By Felicity Edwards
    The Oasis By Tanvi Nagar
    The Present By Peter Hankins
    There Once By Miriam H. Harrison
    The Rescue By Hilary Taylor
    The Returners By Liz Breen
    The Stone By Felicity Edwards
    The Surprise By Jeff Jones
    Tough Cookie By Liz Breen
    Waiting Words By Madelaine Taylor
    Weakender By JP Seabright
    Werewolves By Jessica Brown
    What A Concept By Bud Scott
    When To Err Is Not Human By Dipayan Chakrabarti


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Secret Attic - Founded March 2020