“Okay, okay, fine…you all know how much I hate these speeches—but hey, something
needs to be said for thirty years. Thirty wonderful years, and it’s fantastic to have you all
here to celebrate with us, we love every one of you.
“Don’t worry I won’t say anything that’s going to make you feel like throwing up. I
think the smell coming off the cheese and onion rolls that Paul bought is making everyone
nauseous enough as it is. I would say that it’s further proof of his terrible taste in everything,
but then again, he married me, so he must get it right from time to time.
“I’m joking though. You all know how much I love this man- he might not be the
most refined gentleman in the world but Jesus, who wants all that? I’d always much rather
go for somewhere for chicken in a basket than a chicken terrine, whatever a terrine might
“And of course, that’s where it all started. For those who don’t know, we actually
met in the Ken’s Fried Chicken in town, 3am. I’d spotted him in Martha’s, snogging the face
off some short skirt in the corner. She was long gone by the time we met. I remember him
sidling up to me at the counter.
“Paul, I tried to ignore you, god knows I tried, but you were so charming and
surprisingly respectful, despite the reputation you had when we met…but, I had no chance.
As soon as you were down on one knee on the sticky floor, putting an onion ring over my
finger, I knew you were the one for me. Ha look, he’s blushing! You don’t need to Paul
honestly, look at how much joy it’s led to.
“Oh, while I think of it, can we just get a round of applause for our beautiful
daughters? Come on girls, wave at every one, there they are. They gave us the idea for
tonight and put it all together—save for the sausage rolls—and haven’t they done a
wonderful job. Can I call for a toast? To Carla and Ceili! They look beautiful, don’t they? They
might have gotten my nose, but they didn’t get their Dad’s taste in clothes, so I guess that’s
“Ha, Paul I’m sorry but it’s so easy! You make it so easy! I do love you though, and
actually you did get me something stunning, remember that stunning necklace you bought
me on our 25th? I loved it and would be wearing it right now if I hadn’t lost it. So, I might
make fun of your taste, but without you I’m not sure I’d get my head on straight if it weren’t
for you, so you trump me there.
“Amy’s just caught my eye, Paul’s second wife as I call her, who does such a good job
of looking after him during work hours and actually, if any of you wonder what my necklace
looked like, it was a little something like that. Actually, you know what it’s very similar isn’t
“Let me just take a closer look…yes it’s almost identical, funny that.
“Amy, Amy, Amy.
“You probably would have gotten away with it too if you hadn’t dressed in that with
the plunging neck, using it to draw attention to those stuck on your chest, especially after I
saw you wearing it on the Facebook photos from your Christmas party. What Paul?
“Actually, no Paul, you don’t get to interrupt me for once. You’ve spent three
decades stifling me, making sure I gave up everything for this family, and why did you give
up? You couldn’t even stop getting it out your pants at every chance. Yes, ladies and
gentleman, Paul is having an affair, and it’s not the first one, and he thinks I don’t know
about any of them. How stupid do you think I am? Well I clearly am for putting up with it for
“I’ll just take that back Amy, and hey, it’s still got that chip in the green gem. I mean
when I knocked it the value dropped, but it’s pretty bloody worthless to me now isn’t it?
“Now, some of you might say that I’m making a spectacle of myself, you might even
think I’m drunk. Well, this is alcohol-free beer in my glass, and I think I’ve been humiliated
enough already, wouldn’t you all say? Why not give a little back on a night like this, eh?
“So please, now you’ve eaten all my food and drunk all my wine like vultures, let’s
have a toast. To marriage!
“Now, get the fuck out of my house.”
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