"Okay, okay, fine…you all know how much I hate these speeches—but hey,
something needs to be said for thirty years. Thirty wonderful years, and it’s
fantastic to have you all here to celebrate with us, we love every one of you.
“Don’t worry I won’t say anything that’s going to make you feel like throwing
up. I think the smell coming off the cheese and onion rolls that Paul bought is
making everyone nauseous enough as it is. I would say that it’s further proof of his
terrible taste in everything, but then again, he married me, so he must get it right
from time to time.
“I’m joking though. You all know how much I love this man- he might not be
the most refined gentleman in the world but Jesus, who wants all that? I’d always
much rather go for somewhere for chicken in a basket than a chicken terrine,
whatever a terrine might be.
“And of course, that’s where it all started. For those who don’t know, we
actually met in the Ken’s Fried Chicken in town, 3am. I’d spotted him in Martha’s,
snogging the face off some short skirt in the corner. She was long gone by the time
we met. I remember him sidling up to me at the counter.
“Paul, I tried to ignore you, god knows I tried, but you were so charming and
surprisingly respectful, despite the reputation you had when we met…but, I had no
chance. As soon as you were down on one knee on the sticky floor, putting an
onion ring over my finger, I knew you were the one for me. Ha look, he’s blushing!
You don’t need to Paul honestly, look at how much joy it’s led to.
“Oh, while I think of it, can we just get a round of applause for our beautiful
daughters? Come on girls, wave at every one, there they are. They gave us the idea
for tonight and put it all together—save for the sausage rolls—and haven’t they
done a wonderful job. Can I call for a toast? To Carla and Ceili! They look beautiful,
don’t they? They might have gotten my nose, but they didn’t get their Dad’s taste in
clothes, so I guess that’s something.
“Ha, Paul I’m sorry but it’s so easy! You make it so easy! I do love you
though, and actually you did get me something stunning, remember that stunning
necklace you bought me on our 25th? I loved it and would be wearing it right now if
I hadn’t lost it. So, I might make fun of your taste, but without you I’m not sure I’d
get my head on straight if it weren’t for you, so you trump me there.
“Amy’s just caught my eye, Paul’s second wife as I call her, who does such a
good job of looking after him during work hours and actually, if any of you wonder
what my necklace looked like, it was a little something like that. Actually, you know
what it’s very similar isn’t it?
“Let me just take a closer look…yes it’s almost identical, funny that.
“Amy, Amy, Amy.
“You probably would have gotten away with it too if you hadn’t dressed in
that with the plunging neck, using it to draw attention to those stuck on your
chest, especially after I saw you wearing it on the Facebook photos from your
Christmas party. What Paul?
“Actually, no Paul, you don’t get to interrupt me for once. You’ve spent three
decades stifling me, making sure I gave up everything for this family, and why did
you give up? You couldn’t even stop getting it out your pants at every chance. Yes,
ladies and gentleman, Paul is having an affair, and it’s not the first one, and he
thinks I don’t know about any of them. How stupid do you think I am? Well I
clearly am for putting up with it for so long.
“I’ll just take that back Amy, and hey, it’s still got that chip in the green gem.
I mean when I knocked it the value dropped, but it’s pretty bloody worthless to me
now isn’t it?
“Now, some of you might say that I’m making a spectacle of myself, you
might even think I’m drunk. Well, this is alcohol-free beer in my glass, and I think
I’ve been humiliated enough already, wouldn’t you all say? Why not give a little
back on a night like this, eh?
“So please, now you’ve eaten all my food and drunk all my wine like
vultures, let’s have a toast. To marriage!
“Now, get the fuck out of my house.”
(c) Andrew Galvin